Vision, Respect, & Generosity or Crawling Under a Rock!

I felt like crawling under a rock!  Instead, I took a deep breath, reconsidered my motivations and values, and learned a lot.  Over the past 3 weeks, I’ve continued to digest the lessons and the love.  Thankfully, several friends took the time to comment when I shared that I felt like crawling under a rock and lifted me up.  So grateful for every single soul that showered me with love and encouragement in those moments! <3

This was all prompted by an exchange of emails that left me wondering if I was really insulting and ‘asking for handouts’ from another artist.  As part of putting the Brave Boots, Brave Hearts e-course together, I invited over 20 people that I admire to be guest guides. Some of them never replied, many did reply with kindness and grace while declining the offer, and two sweet souls said, ‘Yes!’  I tried to handle the rejections with grace.  I tried to remind myself that these are very successful, and hence, busy, artists and people!  I chose not to take the ‘no’s’ personally and even to view them as ‘not right now or in this particular case’ and imagined that I was still inviting possibility and opportunity. I wanted to show my gratitude to the artists that took the time to reply with loving grace even though they are so busy and were not interested or didn’t have the time or energy to participate. Inspired by an act of kindness and generosity that I had witnessed when artist, Effy Wild, gave away a spot in the awesome Bloom True e-course (by a different artist, Flora Bowley, and at Effy’s expense as far as I know), I offered the 10 artists that gracefully declined the original invitation (to participate as guest guides in the course) a spot to give-away if they’d like to.  It was in response to that offer that I received the one reply that made me want to crawl under a rock.  It also made me question everything I’ve been doing for the past few years in terms of putting myself, thoughts, and art ‘out there’ publicly.  I’ve waited weeks to write this hoping to let my emotions simmer down and decide how much and what to write.

I am not sharing who this exchange took place with because I do not wish to make this about that person, I do not want to have any impact on their reputation, and I sincerely do wish the best for that person (I have removed any reference to that person from all Loving Rd pages so no one will wonder if/who it might be among those that I do refer to).  I am truly grateful for this experience for all that I have learned as a result. It made me question and clarify my vision and purpose.  It made me wonder: Am I insulting and asking for hand-outs? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I overly ambitious? Am I making this about me?  Am I getting sucked into wanting to be part of the popular crowd?

I thought that I was expressing gratitude and generosity.  I thought I was being sincere.  I thought I had something of value to offer.  I thought I was building relationships with the people that I supported and promoted (even if it was only with ‘likes’ and ‘shares’ if I couldn’t financially afford to buy their art or take their courses – yet).  I thought I was trying to reach more people to pass on the creative spark, encouragement, inspiration, healing and joy that I had been blessed to experience from discovering other amazing artists and the magic possible in the creative process.  I thought I was offering light and love. Was I?  Or was I just trying to reach more people to make money or get attention?

I looked back at what I’ve done since starting this Loving Rd site and I looked within. I so wished I could hear what my angel momma thought about it all!  Looking Back: I started Loving Rd in memory of my mom in hopes to inspire and encourage people to love and appreciate life by sharing meaningful messages through the blog, social media, and art (it was initially called ‘PAS it on’, her initials are P.A.S., and it was changed due to online name availability).  I purposely do not sign my name on my creations (only my initials when I even remember to do that) because I never wanted it to be ‘about me’.  I found healing and magic through the creative process and wanted to share that in case others might as well. I have used the bit of money that my mom left me to fund this effort (art supplies & classes, scanner, printing, give-aways, postage, website domain, etc).  I have shared information about all the lovely classes and artists that have touched me, gratefully and freely promoting them, in hopes that it might reach others in a healthy way.  Looking within: May I be light, life, and love and let go of the rest.  May my heart beat in harmony with all beings.  May I carry out my mother’s advice to give to others and respect their feelings. May I grow and learn with others as we practice the art of living and loving.

Here’s what I realized: Though I may feel a connection with someone, follow and like their posts on instagram, listen to their interviews, and hope to take their course in the future, the connection may not be mutual.  Most of us are doing the best we can (myself and the artist from the email exchange included) in cultural and economic situations that are often challenging.  None of us have it all figured out!  Yes, I have been trying to reach more people.  Yes, I have thought about the necessity of making money because I realize that nothing is ‘free’ – that I cannot continue to put so much time, money, energy, and effort into this site, monthly give-aways, art, writing, and creating and facilitating courses at my own and my family’s expense.  Yet, what I think and hope it’s really about is connection, love, life, and giving.  It’s about me and *YOU.* <3  When I share something that speaks to my heart and soul, it’s with the hope that it might be a blessing for those that somehow cross my path through the Loving Rd sites and creations.  I don’t only share art and courses that I personally offer or would somehow benefit from financially.  I share art, books, posts, and courses by anyone and everyone that I think might be of value to OTHERS – maybe you! <3  It is not about me and it is not about the person offering the art or course, it is about the person that might benefit from it!

My intention is to share, inspire, encourage, and enable love and light, thriving and opening, in any way possible. Hence, when I share posts about all these other online creative courses (most of which I have no affiliation with, some I’ve been blessed to take and many that I have not) and the art by other artists, I share in case it might be a blessing for someone else that sees it. <3  One beautiful example happened last year before the holidays when I created a special pinterest board to share links to lots of artists and small shop owners.  I was able to connect my cousin with an artist friend of mine (whom I’ve never met in person) online.  My cousin thanked me for sharing the link and it made my heart happy to learn that she was grateful to find a lovely gift for someone and in doing so, support my artist friend who has a family of her own to provide for. <3

When I offered a spot in my course to these other artists to give-away, it was with that thought… that it might be a blessing to someone that might discover it through them.  Yes, I realized that if they did so, they would also be helping me reach many more people since they have thousands of fans and followers and I do not.  Yet, I thought I was giving something of value.  I had witnessed such empowering collaboration among so many artists and thought this would be a way to participate and give something back.  Now, I realize that though I’ve taken classes from some amazing artists, liked and shared their creations and offerings, I am not actually part of that group. I felt like a teenager again. I’m letting go of the hopes and dreams to be part of that ‘in’ crowd.  I considered giving up on the public side of art and creativity and blogging all together… until I realized that it’s about more than me, it is truly about giving, loving, and living…. about respect, healing, joy, and generosity.

I now hope  and think that this is my genuine motivation… that I am creating, sharing, and offering authentically from a place of respect and generosity… that I sincerely hope for anything I share to be a blessing in some way… that it has been more about quality than quantity of connections… that while I need to find a way if I am to continue, I wish I didn’t need to make money from this effort in order to be able to sustain it and money is not the real motivation… that it is really about the exchange of energy… that the financial aspect is a necessity, a means, to keep creating and sharing the love… that I do not value any one more or less based on their success or lack thereof (including myself!)… that wealth has more than one definition… that I am being an example to my children even if I seem to fail… that this is about so much more than me… that I hope and pray to be a loving light… that I am grateful to feel called to do this, to be inspired and have the ability and opportunity to do so.

Though I don’t know how long I’ll be able to continue doing this and I do need to consider the impact on my immediate family, I will GIVE it my best while I’m able.  Yet, I may not keep trying so hard, and I am going to re-evaluate my priorities.  Mutual respect and generosity are things I cherish and value.  I’ve enjoyed doing monthly art give-aways and giving spots away in each of the e-courses I’ve created and collaborated on.  There is still time to enter the Loving Rd September Give-Away for a spot in the Art of Gratitude e-course if that interests you.

In addition, I want to ‘put my money where my mouth is’ and practice generosity by giving away a spot that I will pay for in a different artist’s e-course, purchasing a different artist’s painting, or a gift certificate to a friend’s general store for someone that takes the time to read this – giving to both *YOU* and another artist/proprietor. <3 Celebrating the plethora of opportunities available online and amazing art that has the power to feed the soul. <3

The winner may choose one of the following as my gift to you:

Effy Wild’s Radiant E-Course Offering or

Print of favorite painting by Tracy Verdugo that states: “I see you and you are magnificent”

or a gift certificate to Huck’s General Store (if the art doesn’t appeal to you)

To enter this give-away, please SHARE a story by commenting here on this post about how you celebrate generosity and hence, CONNECT.  Give-away winner will be randomly selected and announced on October 5th, 2015.  If you’d like to also share a link to Loving Rd with others in some way, whether from this blog, facebook, instagram, pinterest, etc, that would be lovely, but not necessary to enter. <3

A few days after the original email exchange shared above, I received a very touching apology from the other artist.  I hope and think it was sincere, and it helped restore my faith a bit after realizing some disturbing similarities between artists and politicians.  I hope that I will remember this and the impact that is possible through online influence and exchanges and be gentle and kind.  I am grateful for the other artist’s honesty (both initially and later) and for this experience that led me to dig deeper and clarify my own vision and values.  I realize now that I was asking something of these other artists that may not have been in line with their priorities and that they are probably overwhelmed with similar requests.  I do not think there is any right or wrong here… there is living and learning and loving. <3

Thank *YOU* for sharing a few moments of your life with me to read this and being a part of this Loving Rd effort in some way. <3

May we thrive, true, open, and free, in harmony.

With much love, gratitude, and respect,

Julia