Learning to speak

What is art?  To me, it is a kind of soul language, a form of communication.  How we live is an art form in itself and is certainly a form of expression/communication.  How we speak verbally is part of how (and usually where!) we live.  I speak English reasonably well since it’s what I grew up learning.  I wish I spoke other languages fluently!  I took French as a required course in 8th and 9th grade, but I do not speak French well at all, unfortunately.  I’ve traveled to foreign lands and been unable to order food without pictures (or just pointing randomly at the menu and hoping for the best, which did not always turn out so well!)  What an amazingly diverse world we live in, yet, how much we have in common. We all have the same needs and we recognize stick figures as ‘people’ the world over.  The visual language is actually the universal language.  This is the language I’m currently trying to speak in my art.  And, this idea of ‘finding my voice’ has been troubling me.

I had a dream about voice and symbols and authenticity a week or 2 ago.  It probably occurred because I found myself actively trying to avoid using certain shapes and imagery so that my work wouldn’t look like my teachers (I’m in multiple classes now and applicable to all).  I was really struggling with this and it was causing me to almost fight with my intuition, if that makes sense.  In the dream, it was like I was being guided/gifted with the sight of how deeply many of these shapes/images/colors are a part of me, such as the flower, Queen Anne’s lace, that I used to pick every summer with my mom (along with daisies and other wild flowers) growing up and now pick with my own children.  It has always grown where I’ve lived and I walk by it every day!  Or water lily blooms that have been a part of my home and entry because my husband and I have built small fish ponds (as did my parents) and have water lilies in them.  I collect feathers and have chickens and my Dad even has a full head dress that I always loved as a child.  Feathers seem to find me everywhere, such as the eagle feather we found floating in Washington last summer.  We watch birds and have several bird books and guides and bird feeders.  We join an older gentleman at our local park to feed them from our hands with him.  The dream, which walked me through all of the above examples, really helped begin to lift a weight I have been holding by being so concerned with wanting to find my own voice and not allow any room for anyone to think I might be copying anyone.

I also noticed after painting several layers, that when I was trying so hard to avoid copying, I would later see a painting (usually one of Flora’s since I’ve been exposed to so many of hers these past few weeks in the Bloom True course) that has a similar shape.  Then, I would feel my heart drop a little… wondering if I had copied her without even knowing it, such as these shapes that I’ve used several times… including a year ago when I first tried painting after reading Flora’s book (so I could have been exposed to it in there without recalling it – I have not gone back to look through the book and see if it is there).

The shapes came to me as a result of a conversation with my dad.  He told me that he was at his ranch and had a strong feeling of my mom’s presence (she died a few years ago) and that he even seemed to have the vision of 2 forms of energy dancing in the air.  He wasn’t sure if there was actually dust or clouds or something he could visually see (if I recall correctly).  So these forms were my representation or imagination of my dad and my mom’s souls dancing together (they met at a dance and loved to dance).  These shapes have just flowed into paintings these past few weeks, often some of the first marks on a canvas.

Then, there was this collection of shapes that I immediately fell in love with after having them flow through me onto the first canvas, and many more since.

My mind is constantly wondering what it all means (perhaps, I have more in common with my husband’s curiosity than I sometimes think!  I recently learned that it may be an Aquarius trait to over analyze/think!).  I collect seeds (both to plant and as art).  I am a gardener, my parents are/were gardeners, my grandparents and on and on… my great, great grandfather ran a nursery and supposedly was the first to bring certain plants to this country and to cross some to form a new kind of croton (tropical plant).  It is in my blood and experience.  My parents had huge gardens for food on the farm where I was born in WV.  Then, their tropical garden was garden of the year and on tours in the Florida Keys for several different years.  I have plants in my garden that came from my grandmother’s old home, as well as from my parents and friends.  I participate in a seed savers group.  When traveling with my family (both as a child and now as a parent), we always either go hiking in the wilderness or to botanical gardens in cities.  So, the first thing these shapes brought to my mind were seeds!  I thought of them as seeds of love (which turned out to be the title of the Life Book lesson a week later!).  Then, I saw raindrops, then blooms like from the flame vine that used to bloom on my birthday in our old garden (in the tropics before moving to the mountains), then a jade vine (also tropical… my Dad still lives in South Florida so I spend a lot of time in both types of gardens/woods/wilderness/nature).  Then, I imagined it as a group of souls and the words ‘soul memory’ and ‘home’ drifted through my head.  I came upstairs after painting the above layers to be reminded of this quote by Rumi, ‘You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.’

Later, it made me think of Flora’s dangling earring collection!  Then, I started seeing it in several other people’s paintings, including Flora’s and again, my heart sank a little that I might be copying without realizing it.  Then, I noticed this vase on my mantle.  I see these shapes everyday in my home!  I realized that perhaps, it is a shape that has meaning to many of us and is in many of our lives, symbolism, and language and that this is okay!

This has happened with many other shapes and images, too.  After having them emerge in my paintings, seeing them in others’ work and then, stumbling onto them in my home, sometimes where I hadn’t specifically noticed them before and sometimes where I have actually really enjoyed noticing them in the past.  Sadly, I have felt a need to defend my use of images that are dear to me, woven throughout my life, or inspire me.

I also realized that I am probably drawn to certain art because that artist speaks a similar language!  For example, I felt a deep love and attraction to Flora’s work when I saw it for the first time in her book.  I’ve always been very drawn to spirituality and symbolism and how it has been used culturally through the ages (I’ve visited Aboriginal sites in Australia, Maori sites in New Zealand and Hawaii, and native American sites in the southwestern U.S.).  We collect art from various cultures.  My parents filled our home with art, including a didgeridoo, from around the world and these cultures (I went to Australia, New Zealand, and Hawaii with them as a teenager).  We bought Aboriginal art directly from the creators. I saw my first hairy kiwi fruit when I was toddler and a man came to our home from New Zealand (my parents started a small business selling fence and sheep shearing equipment and imported items from these places that we later visited).  Now, my home is filled with art from various cultures, including African, Native American, Latin, etc.  I’ve been fortunate to travel and purchase some directly from the artists/creators, at street markets and such.

I am also drawn to mysticism (and have studied that through history and cultures).  I think the depth and mystery are actually what attract me to Flora’s art the most.  Many artists use similar imagery, such as birds and plants, yet I’ve not been so drawn to that art as to Flora’s.  I even chose not to take astronomy in college because I didn’t want it to ruin the beauty and the mystery of the stars and stargazing for me!  On the other hand, my husband is not as impressed with Flora’s work (admittedly, he’s not easily impressed by anything!), which I could get lost in for ages.  He is someone that wants to know how everything works and why and gets frustrated as he continues to seek for answers, especially the big “why are we here.”  He prefers landscapes and ‘realistic’ art or even strange art that puts everything clearly on display to process, such as Salvador Dali, as opposed to many layers where things get hidden and unknown!

Perhaps, we are drawn to certain artists because we already ‘speak’ a similar language and share common interests and similar experiences.  I think there is probably a difference between going to a formal art school (where I assume the teachers are assigned and not so much a choice) and having the freedom to choose our teachers (when doing self-study that is not for a fine art degree).  We can choose teachers that appeal to us and seem to ‘speak’ the language we want to improve upon for ourselves.  I was so concerned about my integrity and being true to myself and not wanting to ‘copy’ anyone that I have been very hesitant to take any actual art classes before!  Last year, I chose to purchase Kelly Rae Roberts’ ebook, ‘Flying Lessons,’ which is focused on having a creative business (zero art techniques!), instead of any actual art classes, specifically for that reason.   This year, I decided to purchase Life Book instead of any others mostly because it had the most teachers and variety, along with the spiritual/healing aspects.  I figured it would be harder to ‘copy’ someone, even unintentionally going forward, if there were so many different teachers.  I actually said to the universe (or whatever powers that be) that while I would LOVE to take other classes, I needed guidance if it was ‘meant to be’.  While I wouldn’t have afforded additional classes financially so soon, I was blessed to win a spot in both Alena Hennesy’s Year of Painting course and Flora Bowley’s Bloom True course! Now, even though it is a lot to be trying to do all at once, I am so glad that I have many classes going on concurrently because it means that I’m not only being influenced by one teacher.  I hope that by having several classes at once, the influences and lessons can harmonize to reflect my unique experience.  I think I would be pretty uncomfortable right now if I only had one teacher since I’m already so concerned about not copying someone else’s ‘style’.  I was relieved when, at the beginning of the year, I read Tamara LaPorte’s document about copyright for her Life Book lessons because she handled such an awkward subject with so much love, openness, understanding and acknowledgement!

I had never actually sat down and tried to re-create something in detail that someone else had created before starting Life Book this year!  Now, I have done so in an effort to learn the techniques, such as shading or drawing faces.  I would never want to offer those attempts (creative exercise of sorts) as my own!  I have done those exercises to practice and learn.  Then, afterwards, I have tried to incorporate those themes or techniques into something personal for my own Life Book (which I have shared if I feel they might be inspiring to others).  I’ll share an example from the first Life Book lesson, Beacon of Light. The yellow sunflower/sunshine girl, which I made, but would not claim as ‘my own’ is directly based on Tamara’s creation and imagination.  That is the one I attempted to copy as best I could to be sure I was practicing all of the techniques and didn’t miss any.  The next two were my own visions of my beacons of light, heartlight and dancing with the divine light within.  Jane Davenport‘s approach to her Radiant Faces (hosted by Effy Wild) lesson has also been helpful for how to create work inspired by others, yet with a personal twist.

While in the Bloom True class, I’ve given up listening to some of the music that I enjoy while painting (because I knew others were listening to some of that same music) in an attempt to listen to something different and not have the same energy going into my art.  I’ve recently been painting to Pandora stations for Loreena McKennitt, Walela, and Karunesh (none of which I’ve seen mentioned in the Bloom True class or group thus far).  Yet, I enjoy the connection and sharing music that inspires us with the group so I’ve felt torn on how to handle this.  I think I’m going to allow myself to listen to whatever I’m in the mood for in the future. 🙂

I start each session with a prayer/intention that (what I refer to as) my ‘heartlight’ may shine, that the divine will dance with me to the beat of my own heart/drum, and I literally play a drum to set this intention!  I have even most recently tried ‘playing the drum’ on my canvas in an effort to do something my own way.  (It’s actually quite fun and meditative!)

I became so stressed about needing to be different, that I created this crazy piece for one of the Life Book lessons, which I’ve yet to add finishing touches to.

I felt the need to be ridiculous in order to be different!  I actually ended up having fun with it once I decided to just embrace how ridiculous it was.  I thought my kids might like it as a kind of hidden picture or ‘what’s wrong’ with this picture, like in Highlights magazines, but this isn’t the kind of art I want to make regularly.

Alena Hennessy‘s loving approach has helped to ease some of my stress and encourage harmony.  She has openly encouraged everyone in the group to share our blog posts and all creative efforts with each other, whether directly related to the class or not.  This is quite a change from a free online group I participated in last year that only allowed us to share links if it was specifically to a blog post about that group’s lesson/prompt (we couldn’t even share links to supplies we’d used when others asked and wanted to know).  It has been such a pleasant change to feel part of an open, cooperative, noncompetitive, supportive group, and to have the teacher encouraging this with her amazing energy and attitude.  She hasn’t focused on needing to find our voice or be unique, though it is obvious that she hopes we will all flourish and thrive in our own ways.  She just seems to radiate a kind of harmony that naturally encourages without any divisive references.   She shares when her students are having shows and successes like a proud Mama!

I believe Flora’s intentions and hopes are similar and that she genuinely hopes and wants her students to ‘find our joy’ in making art (as she mentioned in one of the last videos).  She also proudly shares her students’ successes and stories on her blog in her Tribe Tuesday posts.  This entire last week of class is focused on ‘blooming true’ and finding our own true voices.  Honestly, it has felt daunting to me to have so much emphasis placed on this, probably because this is something that I was so concerned about before taking classes and that I even tried to ensure wouldn’t be an issue by NOT taking any classes last year.  I figured if I didn’t take any classes, then I couldn’t emulate anyone else’s voices and would have to be creating from a place of authenticity.  I guess reading a book may influence it, but I have checked out almost every book the entire state of Georgia has from Northlight and Quarry about art and mixed-media, and I have never actually done any of the projects in them specifically.  I must have a huge melting pot of information in me from all of those so I think it would be hard for me to copy any one in particular.

Showing up for the Bloom True class and making time for it every day, along with the other classes, is a way of being true to myself.  I am 39 and a homeschooling mother of 2.  I have typically put others, immediate family, extended family, and friends, before myself.  I have let other things go down on the priority list this year as I make time for the classes, for making more art, for living my dreams, for myself.

I was so concerned with making my Bloom True paintings my own and not copying or looking like others’, especially Flora’s (as if I even could!), that I made some ridiculous imagery just to ensure it would be different, such as a deer with elephant ears!  (And, I am seriously embracing vulnerability to share that here!)

I avoided certain imagery or tried to re-invent it.  I literally played the drums on the canvas with my own 2 hands trying to do something unique and add my own heartbeat/fingerprint.

I almost didn’t put the dream catcher that my heart really wanted to in the following painting (that I now love) because I didn’t want to copy others.  Yet, I have several dream catchers in my home.  One of my best friends and college roommate gave me my first one 20 years ago!  My husband gave me one about 15 years ago when we were dating.  I have helped my children to make their own for their bedroom.  I had the vision of giving birth to myself in a dream that is woven into this painting.  So, she is walking into her dream, and this is a bit of my story.  Still, I felt the need to intentionally put effort into trying to make it different.  I had been avoiding adding feathers that were similar to those in Flora’s or others’ paintings.  I used an actual feather from our chickens (they shed in the fall) to stamp feathers into early layers, which left a lot of bumpy texture (eventually outlining some of those led to the wings that flowed into the figure).  For the dream catcher, I attempted to use another real feather to paint the hanging feathers.  It didn’t work really well so I had to drag it and use my fingers to push hard to get the paint to transfer from feather to canvas and ended up with the really elongated shapes that I tried to turn into feathers.   I added the heart to the drum to represent my intention to make art to the beat of my own heart.  Then, I added lots of little hearts determined to make this my own.  I was almost in tears, losing the joy I find in creating because I was getting so stressed about this.  Finally, I thought, “How could something so personal (and there is a lot more to the story of this painting, some of which I shared in a prior blog post) be anything other than my voice?”  I started scrubbing all the little hearts that I felt pressured to add and didn’t like off of the canvas.

So, now what?!?  How do I move forward with all the awesome information and ideas from Flora’s class if I’m determined not to copy any of her marks?  Flora says to take what works for us and ‘bless the rest’.  The thing is, I love it all!

So, I hope that I can move forward with integrity and find a way to integrate what I’ve learned with ‘my own inspiring life’ (as Flora refers to it).   Realizing the relationship between these two words, ‘integrity’ and ‘integration’, recently was an ‘a-ha!’ moment for me.  It gives me hope that I can integrate the aspects I love from the Bloom True course with my other classes, skills, inspiring life, favorite music, books, travels, experiences, nature, relationships, etc. with integrity.  In the last lesson, Flora talks about “blending what works with what we already know or what feels most natural to us.”  That gave me the image of throwing it all (my 39 years of life experience and inspiration and heartache and joy and learning and loves) in a blender to create my own concoction. 🙂

I also want to realize, as the message from the dream (mentioned in the beginning of this post if you’ve stuck with me this long!) seemed to convey, that it is okay to have common symbols and similar loves and inspiration and experiences all woven together into my creations.  Cave art around the world shared common symbols.  The visual language is actually the universal language.  An object drawn, such as a tree or a bird, is the same true object to all of us no matter what verbal language we may speak and how different the words may sound (such as tree, which is ‘árbol’ in spanish, or bird and ‘pájaro’).  [This reminds me of Miguel Ruiz’s book, the Four Agreements, and his explanation of truth versus language.]

Hence, I think I need not be determined to avoid using the same marks that others use, especially if I actually want to communicate with and connect with others through my art!  While we are all different in beautiful ways, we also have so much in common!  We are also the same.  We are all born, we all have a journey on this amazing Earth, we all move on to the mystic beyond.  I love all of my teachers’ beautiful, blessed creations (I wouldn’t have chosen to take their classes if I didn’t!), yet their creations are already here through their voices and efforts.  I have no desire to copy and duplicate that (even if I could).  I am choosing to believe this intention means I am free to listen to my own intuition, even if it might share common imagery and marks with other artists that I relate to.   I hope that my teachers would agree.

Through all of this stress, I’ve learned that trying too hard to be different, when perhaps we’re actually not that different, can sap the joy right out of creating.  Finally taking time to make art, after a long break since childhood until a few years ago, has been a healing gift to my mind, heart, and soul.  I don’t want to lose that joy or therapeutic and spiritual practice.  I also want to share the art that comes through me with others in a, hopefully, healthy way.  The few people that have told me how much a particular message or image has touched them in an encouraging or healing way have confirmed that the calling I feel to put my art out there is worthy of the time and effort to do so (writing blog posts, uploading to print sites, facebook, etc. all take a lot more time to get the art out there than just creating it and keeping it to myself).  I admit, that I also hope making my art available to others results in an exchange of healthy energy and that others might choose to gladly purchase some of the items I make available (joyfully and gratefully, like I do from other artists), enabling me to help provide for my family while doing something I feel passionate about in a healthy way.  I hope that it can be a win-win scenario to create from a place of loving, healing energy and exchange it with others.  When, I first stumbled upon art by Kelly Rae Roberts very soon after my mom’s death, the quiet strength the women in her paintings seemed to radiate actually seemed to reach out of her paintings and into me!  I had somehow found her book, Taking Flight, at the library (which I promptly bought afterwards) and that is the first mixed-media art book I can remember seeing.  It opened a whole new world to me.  She introduced me to the healing power of art.  I’ve purchased her postcards to pass it on, get her calendars every year now and have a few other pieces hanging in my home.  One of them reads, “It was the brightness in her life that she held close,” which reminds me very much of the closing line from the Desiderata poem that I grew up with (it hangs in both my parents’ home and now, mine): “With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” When I came across Flora’s book and her art, what I saw also seemed to carry a healing light, one that embraced the unknown in a beautiful way.  Viewing and creating art help me to process both the heartache and the beautiful aspects of life.  My mom lived her life as a wonderful example of someone choosing to love life, to do what she could to help others through generosity and kindness, and she lived the words of Desiderata, acknowledging the pain, yet celebrating the beauty. When realizing that I could do something in my mom’s memory to pass on her love for others, nature, and life through art (and blog, photos, writing, etc.), I felt called to do so… to turn the heartache into something beautiful and to honor her loving light by letting it shine on through me.

I’ve noticed other artists that manage to integrate influences in an authentic way, such as Painted Jaybird, whose art I love and I recently learned that she’s taken Flora’s class.  Now that I am aware of that, I can see the influence.  Before I knew that, I had not made that connection. Tracy Verdugo‘s work also seems to share a similar style to Flora’s (the symbolism, depth, and mystery aspects) in Tracy’s own authentic way.  I have no idea if Tracy has ever taken one of Flora’s classes or read her book!  So, here are two examples of other artists that have hints of similar styles (at least to me), perhaps because they are also ‘intuitive’ painters, that also speak to my heart and soul.  I hope that if my art shows Flora’s influence, that it will also feel genuine in its own way, too.  I would love to eventually be able to create art as touching and amazing as any of these women!

I hope that people find reasons to connect with my art through our common languages, hopes, loves, and lives.  I would be flattered if others want to try something I’ve done in their own work or learn from me.  An online artist friend of mine contacted me recently to let me know that she had not intentionally copied the saying I often use, ‘put your brave boots on’, after she read a blog post in which I mentioned it.  She said: “Hi! I have done a couple of pieces and am working on a few others that have the text, “put your brave boots/flipflops/pointe shoes” etc. on the art. I didn’t clue in til just now that you use the text line “put your brave girl boots on” with your work. I didn’t consciously copy you and until today I didn’t connect what you do with my work but I thought I should write because I would feel terrible if you thought I was copying your idea.”  I had shared some of my art with the saying about six months prior, in a group that we are both part of, so it’s possible that it could have influenced her work.  If I was able to inspire that, I am so grateful!  I told her: “No worries… not at all! I’m sure others have said it before! I don’t know where or why I started saying it, but it’s been my motto for the past year!  I bought my first real pair a year ago for my birthday and have been saying it and making art with it since then.  Keep spreading the brave girl message!  Spreading an encouraging message with our art is a beautiful thing and the more, the better! Thanks to other amazing women who have encouraged this cooperative and supportive attitude instead of a competitive one, I feel so much better about making art and sharing and inspiring one another.   Who knows how the art that comes through us comes to be, surely a combination of several influences and life experiences… as long as we are not consciously copying one another in very detailed ways, I think we are all building each other up and helping each other to find the art and messages that are meant to shine through each of us.”

While I love the art others create, I don’t usually spend all that much time looking at it.  I go through phases, usually when I’m not able to get to my own supplies, that I spend more time reading books (with awesome eye candy from other artists) or blog posts.  I usually just don’t have time to do both, create my own art and adore all the awesome art of others, so creating takes priority!  Yet, I want to be encouraging and supportive in the facebook art groups that I’m a part of and give back to those that have given so much encouragement to me, so I do try to make time for that when I feel that I can.  I don’t want to lose the joy in viewing others’ art and encouraging and supporting other artists (both with words and purchases) because I’m afraid that it might somehow influence my own art.

I hope that the mere fact that I have put such thought into this and that I genuinely want to both encourage others from a place of love and joy and create from a place of love and joy and trust my own intuition and inspiration (which may sometimes be influenced by other artists or come from the same wonderful world where we all live), means that I will naturally create with integrity when following my bliss!

I, like Flora, hope that people find the joy for themselves and make art in a way that brings them joy and lets their light shine… and if it looks similar to mine, that’s fine, too!  We are related! <3

The word/idea, ‘harmony’, means so much to me.  I hope for and envision world ‘harmony’…  Thriving together, appreciating both our commonalities and our variations, in a peaceful integration of sorts… like a beautiful song or tapestry… the art of life/existence.  Now, it is also giving me a new perspective that visual artists (painters, mixed-media, etc) may be able to harmonize like musicians playing the same notes on different instruments and singers that are singing the same song in the same language and find a way to harmonize our own efforts and voices.

May we all bloom true and sing our song, dance our dance, beat to our own heart, and thrive in harmony! <3